I was in a musical?

Lets get this straight, I’m not classically trained, especially not for musicals cause goooodddneeesss gracious people who can get up there and project with pristine tone quality, large range, clear diction, vocal power, and insane breath support while they do an intense 17 minute tap dance number portraying the complex emotions of someone else’s life…? Dude they’re at a level I will never reach haha. Mad respect. Especially because I’ve tried theatre out a few times and after enough botched auditions where I got sent home first, never called back, or given the only inanimate object roles in a production—well lets just say I learned pretty quick it was probably not for me (which isn’t the end of the world, I was usually writing songs during rehearsal anyway haha).

So yeah, it was -SUPER- random that I was in a musical in college—I mean, I was the only one in my entire music production program who was also intertwined with the theatre world but hey, I now know like everryyyonnee in that building haha which is awesome. It’s just something I never thought I’d do or even be capable of doing so sometimes I’m like…wait wait wait, I did what??

I didn’t sign myself up for it cause I thought I’d magically become good at musical style singing or because I’d somehow learn how to dance in two months, or even because I thought I’d finally get a lead role. I joined because I was tired of letting opportunities pass me by without even trying them. All of my friends, (and I mean like the entire production included all of my besties my senior year of high school) were in THEE school show together. And every single night I sat front and center with lil tears of proud-mama-ness in my eyes while they performed and every single night I screamed at the top of my lungs while they bowed. Yet at the back of my mind I kept thinking, I could’ve been up there as “drunk townsperson number 2” or whatever ensemble role I could’ve gotten and had the time of my life, yet I’m missing out on these bonding experiences with the people I love. So, when I got to college I decided I wasn’t gonna -not- do something simply because I expected failure.

So.. there I was, a scared lil bean signing up for something she swore she had no business trying. Man, lemme tell you I felt SO out of place—and that’s actually something I dealt with for the entirety of the show. I remember it was the dress rehearsal before our opening night and one of my sweet co-stars..cast members…idk what you call em but, someone who was also in the show with me, they found me crying and he was sweet enough to go on a lil walk with me and talk about it. I was constantly feeling so unworthy and untalented, unexperienced and just stupid, like I didn’t belong or deserve to be there. Everyone else had been in too many productions to count, theatre was their thing—it was BRAND NEW for me. I mean this was the first time someone had ever even trusted me to say more than a few words in Spanish or stand still for 15 minutes as a harp or a tree or a windmill. I actually had lines, and character development, fight scenes, and quick changes, solos, and dance choreography, and I was grateful and excited but SO nervous.

Singing an original song with a guitar on a stage in front of everyone in my high school somehow felt like the easiest piece of cake in comparison to being Ms. Dodds in Percy Jackson The Musical— where I had to not just leave my comfort zone, but utterly abandon it and learn how to be a murderous demon (the literal opposite of someone I wanna be haha) posing as a math teacher. I taught myself how to fry scream and had to get over the fact I wasn’t actually being mean when my character was (silly I know haha but twas still something I had to work on). It was awkward and embarrassing acting like a psycho screaming demon-person-thing in that first month and a half of rehearsals—but that’s what stretched me, because I had to learn how to -not- care about what other people thought, how to -not- care about how silly I was acting, how to -not- base my happiness on imaginary reactions of others and just… own it all with confidence, so I could have fun cause…that was the point. I could’ve sat there wishing I could be the like-able hero or a cute side-chick with gorgeous songs, but it turns out, a twiching, undead monster with guttural screams was who I needed to get the most from this experience. (I also played other characters too but she was the more difficult one haha)

We pulled the show together in 2 months (and we didn’t work on my scenes very much which was a lil scary), like I’d only ever worn my heavy and overheating costume -once- before opening night and it really changed how I had to do the fight choreo (since I had literal wings haha)—but, I figured it out.

It was the hardest performance thing I’ve ever done haha, but that made the bright spots all the brighter, the memories all the more memorable, and the results all the more satisfying.

If you’ve read this far, wow, I’m sorry for the rambling, but it’s cool you’ve stuck around— lemme just say I learned so much from simply deciding to sign up for a musical, not because it was easy, but because it was difficult. We only learn when we stretch ourselves, and now when I perform I can say, well, at least it’ll be easier than Ms. Dodds haha. And you know whats crazy..? And I don’t even know if my parents know this cause I didn’t really talk about it haha, but there were 5 actors recognized for their performance when we were adjudicated—the awards went to the leads, which was no surprise to me because (well, they rock, and) they had entire solo songs, most of the screen time, plus so many lines and choreo to memorize, all which they did -phenoommmenallllly-. Then for some reason there was me.. a lil unexperienced cast member who was still basically ensemble—IT JUST LIKE..idk BLEW MY MIND. Goodness, I said “I can’t believe it, this can’t be right” so many times my director joked that if there was a mistake then she’d give the award to someone else haha.

It just goes to show a few things, for starters, that there is no small part that goes unrecognized—any show writes in characters for a reason, and they matter, no matter how lil’ they are. Additionally, if you take a leap for something and work really hard…you seriously never know what could happen. As well as, I learned you don’t know who feels out of place too. You aren’t the only one who’s nervous. You aren’t alone in feeling like you don’t belong somewhere—now, not everyone’s going to be vulnerable on that with you, and so it’s gonna be hard to grasp sometimes but:

It wasn’t helpful to jump to the conclusion that 1. I was alone in feeling like the odd one out, and 2. it wasn’t helpful to count my doubts of self worth as facts when they were untrue. *Note* to my fellow friends: “You are not the voice in your head or the mistakes you’ve made. You may need to say that out loud too…Your worth isn’t tied to [what you do or don’t achieve]. Your worth is constant; [you were born with it and] it never changes.” If you ever find yourself in front of an opportunity for growth and experience, for creativity and connection, take it—life begins where we don’t let fear hinder progression. Growth starts when we’re courageous enough to move forward when it’s difficult, not when it’s easy.

I carry new skills and memories, self-realizations, and confidence, not to mention radical friends with me because of that experience. Even with the mental breakdowns in my car when I was juggling 3 jobs, my album projects, 16 credit hours, choir, a band, a musical, and everything personal in between—I don’t regret taking an opportunity I’ll never forget.